


Vulnerability In Space

by bbeverly



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Gen, genuinely, it's not some poetic take it's... i have citations, lost transmission, this is an essay, this is literally just an essay about an smau
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:47:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25266349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbeverly/pseuds/bbeverly
Summary: In case any of you thought I was kidding about writing a comparative lit essay about Lost Transmission... you would be mistaken because here it is.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Kay McCall/Audra Phillips, Past Bill Denbrough/Audra Phillips, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Vulnerability In Space

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beverlymarshian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beverlymarshian/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Lost Transmission](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/648481) by beverlymarshian. 



> to lynne, this is definitely way more than you probably anticipated when you started writing lt... for that i am sorry. you deffo didn't intend for some random person on clowntown twit to be this far up an au's ass, well, here i am. writing and posting a whole essay on Ao3. this is who i am now i can't escape it F
> 
> and to anyone who unfortunately stumbles upon this please go read [lost transmission](https://twitter.com/au_transmission), it's fucking great and everytime it updates i think my heart shatters a little bit more (^: it's supposed to have a happy ending so id why it has to wound my this bad in the beginning like... what the hell.
> 
> also, i am not an English major so this is probably going to be a horrible essay, let's not worry about that tho bc i am a psych major and i do not care if my essay writing abilities aren't gd tier.

Vulnerability In Space

"Lost Transmission" uses space literally- in the sense of plot and location for the story as a whole -but also in a harrowing metaphor. The space between two people: the living and the dead, the vulnerable and the consumer of the vulnerability, the lonely and the loved. When we- as readers -acknowledge this distance between even the closest characters (take, for instance, Richie's relationship to Stan (and, by extent, Patty)) it brings forward a sort of incomprehensible slurry of emotion. On one hand, a scene like the one where Richie goes to sleep in Stan and Patty's room aids in the creation of this overwhelming sense of yearning, this full chest feeling of love, understanding, and the urge to be known (or at least heard). Then, on the reverse uno-card of pain, the green one, there's this forced acknowledgement of just how isolated Richie is. He's out in space, ostensibly surrounded by the one thing he could use to compare Eddie's love to him, listening to these logs of his husband's, navigating their relationship amongst and through space.

If we begin with the space between the living and the dead it's incredibly literal, Richie and Eddie, Audra and Kay, Bill and Mike, so on and so forth. Let's take a moment to focus specifically on the Toziers within their established relationship (and the space of it all).

Eddie makes a decision when he goes up into space for his mission, whether or not he's going to sleep away his two years above Earth. He chooses not to, citing that it wouldn't be fair to Richie who wouldn't be able to do the same. This choice seems to be inconsequential when it first comes up. However, the later updates make it seem like more of a deliberate choice and therefore one that holds consequence. We- as readers -learning that before Eddie went up on the KASSANDRA he and Richie got into an argument about him leaving. Update 21 from 04 July 2020 shows us Eddie's log about this incident, though he opens with appreciation: "I love my job. I love it. Close enough to touch the stars. It's all I ever wanted. Helping others is nice too." The tone then shifts to one of apprehension, then sorrowful acknowledgement: "Some days are still really hard. Today was hard. It's been two months since I heard his voice and all I can think about is how angry Richie was about this mission." I’d venture to say it is our first glimpse into metaphorical space, an emotional one between love: Eddie and Richie’s love and the love Eddie harbours for the universe. It reminds me, in an almost eerie mirror, of the Hannah Harrington quote from 'Saving June' in which she writes, "It's so stupid because all I wanted was space and now that I have it, there's this part of me that's achingly lonely I could die". While Harrington isn't talking about space in the universe sense so much as interpersonal space the mirrored sentiment still applies. After all, not only does Eddie miss Richie because of the distance between them but because of the metaphorical distance space- as a universal thing -put there. A rift. One that remains present after their argument when Eddie recalls: "He just pulled me into his chest and held me. We laid there for hours, half-awake, breathing together. He kissed my forehead and told me he understood. That it would be good for us. ... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'll make it up to you when I'm home" (U.21, “Lost Transmission”, @au_transmission). Eddie has the space that he wanted or at least threatened to want during his and Richie's argument and the stars he's always longed to be surrounded by which furthers the space between them- the living and the dead. On the flipside this physical touch Richie also calls back to in update 22, "Just because I made you french fucking toast and kissed you against the fridge doesn't mean I wasn't mad" parallels the yearning distance specifically from the viewpoint of Richie to 'I Wrote This For You', "That's what it feels like when you touch me. Like millions of tiny universes being born and then dying in the space between your finger and my skin. Sometimes I forget" (Iain Thomas, 'I Wrote This For You').

Eddie's love of the universe and longing toward the stars is reminiscent of the Haruki Murakami quote from 'Kafka on the Shore', "Not just beautiful though--the stars are like the trees in the forest, alive and breathing. And they're watching me". This adoration that Eddie has for space, this longing, almost seems to- if only for a brief moment, and through the lense of Richie who we follow throughout the “Lost Transmission” universe -overshadows the appreciation for anything else, despite it not being true. The readers are inclined to sympathise with the main character they follow, in this instance Richie, when we read his response log to having seen Eddie's: "I was still angry when you left, you know... You should have talked to me about it before signing up to a mission that would take away two years of our life together... I was still angry when I said goodbye. But I did understand. I knew I couldn't change your mind. It wasn't fair to try... I promise I'm not angry anymore, honey" (U.22). The entirety of that update brings the readers through, though it isn't stated, this air of grieving jealousy in the beginning. We feel the sense of abandonment and dread that would come with a loved one dropping something like that on us without warning or consultation. When we see Richie say it wouldn't have been fair to try and change Eddie's mind it's hard not to feel for him, even though we also have access to Eddie's logs and can see his anguish over the situation as well without the rose-tinted glasses. As readers, viewing Eddie's logs, there is this vague sense of vulnerability- one that Eddie and Richie fostered together through marriage but one that, as readers in the real world and not this fictional one, is merely a lens through which to perceive someone.

Nowhere is this perceived concept of vulnerability more painfully potent than in the relationship, for lack of a better term, between Audra Phillips and Kay McCall. Which brings us ahead into the second connection of space: the vulnerable and the consumer of vulnerability. Richie and Eddie had time to foster a connection of vulnerability and act on it, being active participants in one another's lives whereas Audra and Kay did not. Audra is, in simplest terms, a passive participant in Kay's life. Their connection to one another isn't as deeply nurtured as Richie and Eddie’s or Stan and Patty's. They were acquaintances, yet when Audra begins reading Kay's logs there is this overarching feeling of knowing one another. Audra notes in update 29, "Kay is funny. I don't think I worked with her enough to see that". Yet, despite this presented distance we see Audra's fondness and perceived understanding of Kay by the end of that same update: "She's funny because she says everything she means and seems to mean everything she says. People always say they don't care what other people think, and of course, they do. I do. I really don't think she does. Did. She didn't care". This jump from not working with someone enough to guessing at their motivations or inherent personal beliefs stems from this consumption of vulnerability. While Kay appears "intense", a description by Richie when Audra talks about Kay's perceived traits during the time they knew one another (U.14)- relatively -the very next update (15) Audra says: "Ka-uh-McCall is mostly like I remember. Softer, maybe, but that could be the logs. Excited for the garden". It almost foreshadows Kay's genuine vulnerability in a mere four updates later when she discusses how pleased she is to be working with her particular crew: "it was nice".

While we, as readers, may not perceive this as some incredible show of vulnerability it has an impact on Audra's view of Kay and, by extent, the space between them. In update 42 Audra's simple statement that Kay must be a good cook then spirals into an entire paragraph discussing what Kay cooked and how nice it would be to learn from her. And finally, "Lost my train of thought". Despite not having known Kay person to person, while witnessing her vulnerability through memories and recalled time of enjoyment, Audra forms a connection. One could argue it is merely a connection to memory itself that Audra is fostering as opposed to a connection to Kay. Zeina Hashem Beck describes it best from ‘Khandaq Mon Amour' in 'Louder Than Hearts: Poems': "I worship you to the point of wanting to devour your memories (...)". This sounds, at first read, violent. Teeth gnashing and jaws cracking, "Not all love is gentle. Sometimes it's gritty and dirty and possessive, sometimes it's not supposed to be careful or soft at all. Sometimes it feels like teeth" (Azra T.). Maybe this violent space is not one we, as readers, wish to occupy or wish to see a character occupy. However, if we truly consider this perceived violence does it not summarise the vulnerable and the consumer of that vulnerability? Is the consumer not, in some way, committing a violent act of taking these memories that do not belong to them and then holding them to their heart as though the memories are theirs now? Is gentle love something Audra wants? And, if not, is it unreasonable to suggest she attaches to an "intense" character, marinates in the softness she thinks she sees and accepts that gentle complacency is something she doesn't want. "i want to discover myself. / i want to be a secret that nobody but i can ruin. / - / i don't care for being married. / i am going to be the sun’s mouthpiece" (Salma Deera, Letters From Medea, 'a girl makes a decision: part 2'). This decision, the thoughts we witness Audra cycle through in regards to her view of Kay and her view of her previous relationship with complacency, also makes her a candidate for being one of the lonely.

The lonely is a vague concept, one that can be seen and perceived in a myriad of ways. Here, though, we will objectively define "the lonely" as those without someone. Richie, in this case, is not considered "the lonely" because while Eddie may be dead he is still someone that Richie covets. Kay could be "the lonely" but has Bev, in some way or another. So, given this definition "the lonely" will be a title given to Audra Phillips and Bill Denbrough- ex fiances for the ages. The loved? Stan and Patty Uris. A pair that Audra admits to comparing her and Bill's relationship to (when they were together), "I spent a lot of time comparing us to other couples...mostly to Stan and Patty, who had, and have, this serene sort of closeness. Two koi in a pond" (U.60).

From what we know about Bill and Audra’s relationship it was one built out of negative complacency, out of the thought that “it’s been this long so we might as well” even if there was no passion or verve behind it. They remained uncritical of it- outwardly, from what we can read in most recent updates both parties had their individual thought processes -until the only semi-bitter end. “it is easier to pretend to love than to feel it. / i will cite atwood and sexton. / he will touch me like i am an important footnote. / everybody knows that nobody looks at footnotes” (Deera, ‘pot, kettle, black’). Audra admits to Richie, in update 26, that “...I was angry. Threw the remaining benny at him, knocked the vase off the counter, etc. But after he left I just felt relieved”. When it comes to complacency you can’t help but grow attached to it, it becomes a comfortable, dull ache. There but not bothersome, at least not as much as it should be, but then someone pulls the knife from the wound. This discomfort in the mundane, and especially once it is called out as the mundane, leads to the loneliness we discussed earlier. Not literal loneliness but metaphorical, not literal space between two people’s emotional connection but metaphorical space. The absence of comfort in a relationship would form a rift between any two people, regardless of how long they had spent together. Especially when one party is drawing comparisons.

Complacency doesn’t always have to be negative, though, it can merely be feeling like there’s no need to be critical about a situation. Uncritical satisfaction out of not feeling a need to be critical, in this instance the Uris’ relationship acts as a foil. There is no sense of space between them, not in a codependent light but rather in one of mutual love, respect and adoration. We see this in update 57, looking through Stan’s eyes while he texts Patty:

> “PATTY: I haven’t seen you this frustrated in awhile, and you like puzzles.
> 
> STAN: Not puzzles with pieces missing. Not a fair game.”

This simple exchange can speak volumes, while Stan doesn’t explicitly state that he is frustrated it is an acknowledged feeling. It folds into the Richard Siken quote from the poem ‘Landscape of Fruit Rot and Millipede’: “The view from above-- / untethered scrutiny. It helps to have an anchor / but your head is going somewhere anyway”. If we take the time to dissect this we can see Patty reaching out in noticing the frustration as “the view from above” and Stan as the “head going somewhere anyway”. Despite this there is a connection, it doesn’t so much place a wedge between them as it does bring them together to close the small space of their emotions. Then, the comparison to a puzzle, this semi-intimate knowledge and side comment Patty- in character and Lynne, the author -chooses to make. How to compare the metaphor to the literal, much like the entirety of “Lost Transmission” does with space. The intimate knowledge between Stan and Patty, however you choose to read it, is perfectly in sync with the Audra’s “Two koi in a pond” comment. “We are all going forward. None of us are going back” (Richard Siken, Crush, ‘Snow and Dirty Rain’). It is slow and serene, something that could be perceived as complacency but with this overarching calm, a comfort that Audra didn’t have with Bill. The loved coming together, without space, aiding in the lonely acknowledging their own.

All in all, “Lost Transmission” is a literal story about space, the sprawling nature of the universe and all the secrets she keeps within her depths, but in the same breath, it is about the distance between people (or lack thereof). The space between breathing easily and chest aching gasps, between open books and librarians dissecting each line to find meaning, between the isolation of what the mind knows and allowing your mind to be seen by someone else. Taking the time to note these distances is, in my humble opinion, an integral part of consuming this story. Lest we are blinded by the promised happy ending of it all without understanding the complexities of these characters’ relationships to, with, and in the middle of, space. As readers it is our job to comprehend these feelings as mixed up, mashed and blended they may be to fully grasp the decisions these characters make and how it impacts their interpersonal relationships. This isn’t to say we should all go out and write an essay about it, I jumped the gun on this one. But what can I say? Call me Eddie Kaspbrak because I love to discuss space and dream of finding truth in the stars.


End file.
